I am struck by the swings in emotions that bombard me on a daily basis. There are many times throughout the day that I feel as if I am doing okay, but I will think of or see pictures of the boys and will find myself incredibly sad. The ache of knowing that I will not see and hold my boys again in this lifetime is sometimes overwhelming to think about. There are moments of laughter and fun that come throughout each day as well, and you never know what is coming when. It is that roller coaster of emotions that we find ourselves on once again, and I still sit back in shock that we find ourselves here all over again.
I was saying to my wife the other day, in shock really, that I never in a million years could have imagined Jack not being ever present in my thoughts each day. Those of you that have lost a child know exactly what I mean by this. After Jack died I can honestly say that there was not a day that would go by that when I would wake up I would think about him first thing. He would always be in the back of my mind throughout the day, and be the last thing I would think about when I would go to sleep. I have not been living my life revolving around him being gone, but the realization that he was gone is ever present in us as parents. When Hayes died, it has been the first time that it is not Jack necessarily being the first one I think about, but instead it has been Hayes because it is so fresh. In so many ways it is extremely tough to wrap my mind around.
Finding ourselves in this position less than a year and a half after Jack died is truly unbelievable. I don't mean to harp on that, but I still am in shock that this is where we are again. I look at the pictures of my boys and it is so surreal realizing that out of our four boys only two of them are here with us. It is amazing to think that 11 years into our marriage and we basically are on our third family setup in regards to the kids we have with us. It is just unbelievable.........
I say this though with the knowledge and complete confidence that Christ is in control. There is a purpose to all of this, and it is in that knowledge that I can take refuge. Even in the midst of all this turmoil, emotion, and heartache there is the foundation that I know is built on the unmovable rock of Christ. I can honestly say that I find myself joyfully mourning. I am not implying that I am joyful in the fact my boys are gone, but I am able to rejoice in the fact that my boys are with Jesus! This is not some cliche that I am resting on in thinking my boys are in a better place that is spoken about at so many funerals. I say this with all the conviction of a man that knows I serve a real tangible God!
I have found as we are meeting so many people and our story is spreading, it seems that there is a segment of those out there that don't understand where this peace and joy comes from, or if it is even real. What I can say is that there is nothing within myself that gives it to me. It is only through Christ that I have this confidence. I can honestly say that there is no other way in the world that I could ever see turning too that would get my family through this.
God has been so good to me time and again that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt He is holding my boys, and has only good for me and my family. God is so incredibly faithful and the love that I have for my boys pales in comparison to the love I know He has for each and every one of us. How can I not have joy and a peace that passes all understanding, knowing that I have the perfect Father in Heaven who loves me so much that He blessed me with those two boys and will one day reunite us together!
Through all the valleys and dark places I find myself in, I am so keenly aware that Christ has been right there beside me in them all. I rejoice in the fact God has my boys and because of the price paid on the cross I will get to see them again!! This is why in the midst of all this sadness I can say I am joyfully mourning.........
“Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 In My Father’s house are many mansions;[a] if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.[b] 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. 4 And where I go you know, and the way you know.”
5 Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how can we know the way?”
6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.