Well it has been about a month since I last posted on here and I am sitting here tonight not able to sleep, so I figured I would get some thoughts out there. It is hard to believe that we are coming up on four months since Hayes died, and we are almost to the one year and eight month mark since Jack died. I have been having somewhat of a hard time the last few weeks when it comes to missing the boys. There is not really any portion of a day that goes by that I am not thinking about them. It is really the ever present theme always in the back of my mind, and I know it is for Jessica as well.
November 19th would have been Hayes' 1st birthday. It really is hard to believe that we never got that chance to even celebrate a birthday with him. He would have been walking and, more than likely running around to keep up, chasing his two older brother all over the place. This will also be our first Christmas without Hayes, and unbelievably our second one without Jack.
It is at this time of year when we are taking Noah and Drew out to do all the fun things there are to do for kids, that it is hard at times to not get sad realizing the memories we are missing out on. It is when we are out with Noah and Drew doing something fun that it is most likely I will picture what it would be like to have all four boys running around together. Never getting the chance on this side of eternity to see all four boys together and have the opportunity to hear the dull roar, that I am sure they would have created, coming from our home is heartbreaking.
I am not writing this post to be all about how hard this time of year is or even how much we miss the boys, but I feel the need to get some of these thoughts out there so bear with me till the end of this. There are times where it would be easy to feel robbed, and frankly that feeling is there at times. There are so many things that I know we are missing out on with both boys. It is reminder every day when I look at Drew that he is missing his other half, and all that goes with being a twin. When I see other babies that are Hayes' age it is awesome to see how they are progressing, but it is also a reminder that we are not getting to experience all those first with him. When I sit down and I look at things this way it is so very easy to find myself falling into a funk and question, why?
The question is how does a person deal with this kind of loss on a day in and day out basis. It can truly be a roller coaster ride if one was to let it. Dealing with the aftermath of not just one but two unexpected losses of a child within 16 months of each other is something that is not easily done, but for the grace of God. Losing a child is the most horrific thing that you can experience as a parent, because we as parents are not supposed to outlive our children. This blog is a way for me to work through this process, and along the way hopefully help other parents who are dealing with the loss of a child. My prayer though is that it helps anyone who is going through any sort of valley to know that there is a Hope and an Anchor for your soul that will pull you through whatever it is you may be struggling with.
One reason that I write out some of the emotion and heartache I am feeling is to not say "poor me", but to show that there is an answer to dealing with all of it. Is there a way to make all the heartache and brokenness to go away when it seems like all is falling apart around us? Is there a way to move forward and not be swallowed up by the grief and pain that is ever present? How does one find joy and peace in the darkest of valleys? These questions don't just apply to the loss of a child or loved one, but are also pertinent to any sort of trial we may face. The answer to these questions is a resounding, Yes!!
There is only one way to deal with this kind of grief and loss, or the hopelessness that comes with those deepest of valleys. Those of you that have been following my blog may know where I am going with this and may even wonder why I continue to hit this theme, but it is for the simple fact that there is only one answer to dealing with any of these trials. It is only through Jesus that a person can make it through these valleys.
I sit here tonight in the midst of the most horrific kind of losses imaginable during the Christmas season with a peace, joy, and most of all hope in my heart because of the faith I have in Jesus. It is because of Christ that I know I am going to see my boys again. It is because of Jesus that I can get up every morning and function with joy in my heart. We as fallen individuals are not equipped to deal with the deep valleys of life that we all will face at one point or another. We do not have the ability to make sense of the horrific injustice that this life has to offer. It is only by going to God through the atonement in Jesus that we are able to make sense of the sin, injustice, and death this world offers us.
God is nothing less than good! He is the perfect Father who loves His children and provided us a way to come into loving communion with Him through the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus. I am not trying to preach, but I am offering the one true hope, guarantee, and means of dealing with the trials of life. I thank God everyday for the gift of salvation that I have done nothing to earn or deserve, but was offered as a free gift because He loved me even in my sin.
I am going to close this post, but I would encourage any of you who might read this and do not have that peace, joy, and hope that I have spoken of to look to Jesus. There is nothing that any of us have to offer God. There is no good deed, no act of service, no gift that we can offer to God to earn His love. It is a free gift that He offers each and every person if only they will accept it. Jesus is ready to give you that hope to move forward no matter the circumstances and welcome you into loving communion if you will only ask and accept it.
I'll leave you with this passage of scripture that Jesus spoke from Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”