The Long Road...

It has been quite awhile since I have posted anything due to the business of summer, but I have found myself with quite a few things on my heart that I would like to share.  My goal with this blog is not to just post anything and everything in relation to our losses of Jack and Hayes.  My goal is to post things that have relevance and meaning to all, rather than saying I had a bad day today and I really miss my boys.  I miss my boys everyday and I don't think me blogging that fact is really doing anyone any good, and would frankly get old to have me saying it all the time. :)  When I have something I feel has some substance to it and might be helpful, that is when I blog. 

We just recently marked the 1st anniversary of Hayes' passing just last week on Aug 21st.  I have to admit that this anniversary hit me harder emotionally than the two anniversary's of Jack's we have marked so far since his passing.  This isn't because I miss Hayes anymore than I do Jack, but rather I think it has had more to do with the fact I was able to grieve Jack's passing more in the beginning that I was Hayes'. 

When I say I was able to grieve Jack's passing more in the beginning, it was because I didn't have anything else pulling at my heart and emotions beyond Jack and all that went with his passing.  When Hayes died last year I can honestly say we weren't at a point that we were done grieving Jack, and then to throw the loss of another child on top of the first was overwhelming.  What I found I did in the wake of Hayes' death was to grieve him, but I don't necessarily think I was able to fully process all that went with the fact that he was gone in addition to Jack.

What any parent that has lost a child can tell you is that all that goes into the grief of it takes not only an emotional toll, but a physical and mental toll as well.  When you lose a second child that toll goes to a whole new and different level.  There were many areas where I felt that we were able to process it better because we had gone through it before, and we knew what to expect to a certain extent.  There were other areas though where I felt like I personally did not fully wrap myself around the fact we were going through this again.  That is not to say that I didn't grieve or realize that Hayes had died, but only that I was able to move forward in certain ways faster than I did with Jack.  An example would be the fog that I felt like we were in when Jack died was not as thick and long lasting as when Hayes died.

All this to say, is that I have found with this first anniversary of Hayes' death is that the emotional toll has been much higher.  That not only goes for me, but also my wife and our oldest son who had his first real emotional breakdown since Hayes' passing about a week before the 1st anniversary of his death.  All of this is because this process is ongoing for both boys, and will continue to for a long time to come I am sure.

The purpose of this post is two fold today.  The first purpose is for those of you who might read this and have not experienced this kind of loss, and aren't sure what you should do when someone around you does experience a tragic loss in their family.  My family has been incredibly blessed to have been surrounded by many friends, family, and many individuals we had never even met who came around us and have walked with us down this road.  It has been that love and support that has helped carry us through some of the deepest and darkest moments we have experienced.

What took me down the road of writing this post is in hearing in recent days of a family, that I don't really know, but who just experienced the loss of the husband and father of this family.  He was a young man who died unexpectedly and leaves behind a wife and two young children.  This loss breaks my heart because I know it is going to be hard road they have to walk. 

My encouragement for any of you that may have someone go through a horrific loss like this, regardless if it's unexpected or not, is to come around them with love, support, and most of all prayer.  Everyone grieves differently, but what I can tell you is that when you experience these kinds of losses it is a long road.  Even when someone may seem like they are doing fine and have moved forward, I can tell you the extreme hole left behind in the wake of their love one's death is ever present.  Continue to come around these families with love and support even as it seems in your mind enough time has gone by for their grief.  I can personally attest to the fact that there are bad days even a couple of years down the road.  Pray for these families continually as they come across the path of your life.

I do want to make it clear in that my family has been blessed beyond measure to have the kind of friends and family around us who have, and continue too, come around us in love and support.  This is not pointed at anyone in our circle of friends and family at all in relation to our losses, but instead for those of you who may have families in their circle of friends who experience an extreme loss.  I could not ask for a better group of friends and family than what we have been blessed, and I hope you all know who you are! :)

The one thing I always want to take any of my post and thoughts back too is the fact that my family has only been able to walk this road the way we have because of the hope we have in Christ.  I have peace because of the fact that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this separation in our family is only temporary because of what Jesus Christ did on the cross of Calvary.  This deep rooted knowledge brings me the hope, joy and peace that passes all understanding that I continue to experience each and every day.

This leads me to my second, final and most important point in that I want to share this hope with those who might read this, or hear my family's story, and not have it themselves.  Those people that might have experienced similar loss or be going through their own deep valley's whatever they may be can have this same hope for themselves, in that they too can have the opportunity to spend eternity with Christ.  Each of us have a decision to make whether we will accept this free gift of salvation or we will deny it.  The whole purpose of me sharing my thoughts and story is that all who hear it will make the decision to accept this real and tangible gift.

If you made it to the end of this, thank you!  I appreciate each and everyone of you who have ever taken the time to read and/or share my blog.  I'll leave you with this...

Psalm 91

My Refuge and My Fortress

91 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his pinions,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of the night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
    nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only look with your eyes
    and see the recompense of the wicked.

⁹ Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—
    the Most High, who is my refuge—
¹⁰ no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
    no plague come near your tent.

¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways.
¹² On their hands they will bear you up,
    lest you strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the adder;
    the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.

¹⁴ “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
    I will protect him, because he knows my name.
¹⁵ When he calls to me, I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble;
    I will rescue him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

Some Practical Advice for All Parents......

This post is probably one of the more practical ones for every parent out there, or for those of you who hope to be a parent.  My other post have been primarily about losing Jack and Hayes, but I want to go a different direction with this entry.  I have had this on my heart for awhile now and want to get it out there

As many of you know my wife and I have been blessed with four amazing boys, Noah, Drew, Jack, and Hayes.  I can't tell you how much I love being a dad!  I have always loved watching my boys, playing with them, hugging and kissing them, listening to them laugh, and just doing dad things with them!  As hard as it is to be missing two of them, and not getting those opportunities, I am beyond thankful to God for Noah and Drew.  They are such an incredible blessing to Jess and I, that I thank God every day for them.

The reason for this post is that I want to take the opportunity to encourage all of you parents in particular out there.  There are times where I will see parents complaining about what a rough time they are having with their kids, or lamenting how tough their baby is being, or how little sleep they are getting, or the arguing and bickering they keep having to put up with, and the list goes on.......  When I read those it makes me sad sometimes or there are times where I have gotten a little angry because of them.  I want to encourage you to step back and thank God for the blessing(s) you have been given.

I do want to make it clear that I am not by any means saying a parent shouldn't ever get frustrated with their kids, because I know that I do at times.  Kids have that special way of knowing what buttons to push to send us over the edge.  I totally get it!!  What I do want to do is hopefully help those of you who find yourself in that place more than you like, and give you some encouragement in regards to the incredible gift and responsibility God has given you.

I will tell you my experience in that before Jack passed away I found myself being incredibly impatient with Noah, Drew, and Jack.  It wasn't over the top and horrible by any means, but my patience was very short with them more than I should have been.  It seemed that I was always snapping at them for big and small things.  I don't remember if it was because I was stressed with life and I was taking it out on the boys, or what it was, but what I do remember is that I was not being a very loving and fun dad to my boys.  It was to the point that I noticed that I was doing it.  Jess had even noticed how short I was with the boys and had mentioned it to me. 

I don't remember the exact day, but I do remember walking up the stairs feeling myself getting ready to snap at the boys for being to loud or something, and I thought, "I need to stop being like this".  It was at that very instant that I prayed and asked God for more patience with the boys, and to show more love to them rather than impatience.  I made a point from that day forward that I was going to bring it down a notch and enjoy the fact that I had Noah and the twins at that point.  I did not want the boys to look back and think dad was always snapping at us, but I want them to look back and think wow, dad loved us and showed it!

It was probably a month later that we found out Jess was pregnant with Hayes and then two weeks later Jack died right before he and Drew's 3rd birthday.  I look back at that prayer and thank God for the fact that He had convicted me of my lack of patience with the boys.  It would be that much worse if I looked back with nothing but regret for not appreciating the times I had with Jack, and being so short with them.  I love that I can look back and think of that moment and know that I spent that last month actively trying to be a better, and more loving dad to those three boys.

My appreciation and love grew exponentially for Noah, Drew, and Hayes after Jack died.  I came to a realization how fragile life could be and how short time is.  As I have said before when you lose one child you think you have a pass on ever having something like that happening again.  When Hayes died last August at 9 months old, I came to the complete realization that we do not control anything, and we do not know what today holds, much less tomorrow.  It was at the moment that it came into crystal clear focus that my time with Jess, Noah, and Drew is not guaranteed, and I need to take every moment I have and make the most of it!

I love my wife and boys more than life itself.  I know that the parents who will read this do too!  I want to encourage you to stop and take that time to enjoy every moment you with your kids!  I love spending time with Noah and Drew, because I know that it can all be taken away in an instant and I don't want to waste it.  I try and take as many pictures as I can with them.  I try to play with them as much as I can.  I try to spend time just talking with them.  I try to love on them as much as I can.  I am not perfect at this by any means, and I still get impatient with them, but I always try to stop myself and thank God for the time He has given us with Noah and Drew.

Spend time with your kids!  Put your phones, iPads, video games, books, or whatever it may be down and spend time loving on your kids.  God has blessed you with an incredible gift that is worth more than anything else you will ever have.  Your children are the greatest responsibility you will ever be given and the greatest thing you will ever do in this life is raise your children.  Love on your kids and your spouse every chance you get, because you don't know what tomorrow brings..........

Go hug and kiss your kids tonight!

¹⁵ Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. ¹⁶ But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. ¹⁷ Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”

Luke 18:15-17

Jack, 2 years in............4/17/2011 - 4/17/2013

Today we have officially reached the two year milestone since our Jack went to meet Jesus face to face.  We are also just 5 days short of the 8 month anniversary of Hayes going to meet Jesus and his big brother Jack face to face as well.  I have had some things on my heart that I have been wanting to share and thought that today was the appropriate time to do that.

As many of you know this blog came to be as a result of the loss of two of our boys, Jack and Hayes.  I have been praying and thinking about what the purpose of this blog is supposed to be as it has evolved.  There are a couple of things I have come to realize.  The first is to hopefully help those that have experienced the loss of a child and to show that there is hope and joy even in the midst of the grief.  My heart is not only for those who have lost a child, but also for anyone who has experienced loss or may be experiencing a valley in their life where there seems to be no way out.  My heart is to bring hope to those who are hurting.

My biggest hope though is that in the midst of all this, is that my boy's lives and their stories ultimately draw others to Christ.  That is the only place that true hope, peace that passes all understanding, and joy can be found.  I remember like it was yesterday when Jess and I were sitting in the hospital on Aug 21st, 2012 the day Hayes died, coming to grips with and in total shock over the fact that we had just lost our second child in less than a year and a half.  I remember sitting there and the only thing that I could think to ask God for was please don't let this be in vain.  I need to see others come to and receive Christ through our losses.  If God would do that I knew that our family was going to be okay.

On that beautiful Palm Sunday morning when Jack died it was nothing short of our world being completely turned upside down.  I remember every detail of that day down to the beautiful cherry blossoms on the trees in the parking lot of the hospital.  I remember thinking how incredibly beautiful it was outside that day as I was sitting out there trying to come to grips with the fact Jack wasn't coming home.  It will forever be burned in my memory the contrast between the beauty of that day and the absolute grief I was experiencing.

There was a fog that I entered for several months after Jack died where the weight of it was huge.  Fortunately we had Noah and Drew to think about, and Jess was pregnant with Hayes at the time.  The adjustments that our family went through were massive in so many ways.  Trying to help Drew come to grips with why his twin brother who had always been there with him was gone and beyond heart wrenching to deal with.   The adjustments that happen in any family that loses a child is massive to say the least, and we were experiencing them all.

It was during those ensuing months after Jack passed away that we started moving within the new normal that was our family.  Jack had left behind a huge hole that would never be filled.  Even when Hayes was born 7 months later that hole was not filled.  Hayes was a huge bright spot in the midst of the grief!  Hayes never ever replaced Jack in our family, but he was a huge blessing.  Hayes burned white hot in our family for a total of 9 months and 2 days before he too went on to meet Jesus.

You might be wondering why I am bringing all this up again.  I bring it up for those of you who might read this and are dealing with some huge mountain in your life such as a loss of a child or other family member, a cancer diagnosis, a divorce, loss of a job, and the list could go on......  I want you to know that I know what it is like to face what seems like an insurmountable obstacle or to be in the deepest and darkest of valleys.  I want you to know that there is nothing within me that could overcome the loss of Jack and Hayes.  There is nothing that someone else could say or do for me that would bring me peace, joy, and hope after the loss of my boys.  There is nothing that this world could offer me that would make any sense of the unbelievable tragedy of losing two perfectly healthy children within 16 months of each other.

I know that there are some of you that may read this that I have met, and there are those that I haven't, and you are facing your own mountain or deep dark valley.  I want you to know that it is possible to have peace that passes all understanding, real joy where there doesn't seem to be any, and most of all hope because there is One who has overcome it all for you.  I have experienced each and every one of those in my life in the last two years.

I can honestly say that I have more peace, joy, and hope now than I have ever had at any one point in my life.  I don't say this because I am deluding myself into coping with these losses or because I am using religion as a crutch.  It took the loss of my boys to realize how little control I have over this life, but in the midst of it I discovered that it is only God who controls it all.  I have mentioned this before, but I feel impressed to mention it again for some of you who may read this.  The one emotion that I have not experienced is anger.  I'm not saying that those of you who have are wrong to feel it, but for me its not there.  This is because I know where my boys are beyond a shadow of a doubt!  I know that I am going to see Jack and Hayes again.  This life is nothing more than a vapor in time, and before I know it I will be spending eternity with my boys.

I know this may seem like a sermon, but my heart is for each and every person that I come in contact with in my life either in person or through this blog, will find where my peace, joy, and hope come from.  That is through Jesus Christ who died that I might live and see my boys again.  My heart is overwhelmed at the gift I was given in that I get to see my boys again!!  My heart is overwhelmed for you that you might also receive that gift.  There are many that may read this who I am actually praying for to find that same hope, and I am praying for anyone who read this that you will find that hope.  It is a free gift available to all for the asking.

I will end with this.  Would I rather have my boys and not have to deal with the two gaping holes in our family and all the grief and pain that goes with it?  The answer is a resounding yes!  I never expected to be walking this road and dealing with this kind of loss, but I can honestly say I have grown more and learned more than I ever would have had I not had to walk this road.  If my boys lives can help bring hope to someone else out there through a right relationship with the Creator of the universe, then I wouldn't trade this road for another.

I am beyond thankful to all of you who have supported us over the last two years!!  Please do not hesitate to contact me if there is ever any questions I can answer or things I can pray for.

Until we meet again boys....... I love you Jack and Hayes!

⁶ For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷ For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— ⁸ but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ⁹ Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. ¹⁰ For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. ¹¹ More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Romans 5:6-11

Foundation Building.........

I am sitting here early this morning not able to sleep, thinking about mine and my family's life. We have walked a road that I never would have dreamed we would be on in a million years. I think many people would say that their lives haven't gone a 100% the way they would have planned.

Something we all do is plan our lives and futures out, and the way we see it playing out. Some of us do an amazing job of succeeding in meeting those goals and plans we make. Sometimes it's a few of those plans that don't come to fruition, other times its a lot of them, but we still end up where we wanted and satisfied with our lives. Then there are those that it seems like our life and plans go completely off the path we envisioned. 

I have something stirring in my heart about the times that life goes off the proverbial path. I'm still working through all of what it is God is laying on my heart and it will continue to come out in future posts. I have some of the picture that I want to share now though. 

When I talk about life going off course, I'm talking about those life changing moments we all experience that are not what we envisioned or expected. This could be a death, marriage, divorce, a job loss, a diagnosis of cancer, the list could go on....... The truth of the matter is that we all face things in our lives that we did not plan on. It's those moments, when it seems the path we envisioned our lives taking completely goes in a different direction than we ever expected, that I want to talk about.

We all are faced with these moments in life where we are sitting there thinking what happened, that wasn't the way it was supposed to go! If you have not experienced moments like that, then I would tell you to thank God and be prepared that they will probably come. I'm not trying to be negative, but I am wanting to plant a seed that will hopefully be there when those moments of life do come. 

I am talking about HOPE. I have spoken of this in previous posts, but God is continuing to grow this concept in my life. I am talking of a real, deep rooted, foundation building hope. The kind of hope that is only found in Jesus Christ.

The thing that is drawing me to this topic again and again is the lack of hope that I see in so many of those going through those moments where it is absolutely needed. I can see people who are struggling through life because they don't have hope and don't know where to find it. The only thing that gives me true peace and joy in the midst of losing Jack and Hayes is the fact that I have a hope built on the Rock.

I am continually praying that God will take the loss of our two boys and give us the opportunity to use it for His glory. I always feel that I need to qualify these things by saying that there is nothing special about Jess or myself, but that it is only through the grace of God that we are moving forward. That being said, I want to share the HOPE that I have with all who come across my path. I know where my boys are, I know that I am going to see them again, and I know that this life is but a drop in the ocean in comparison to the eternity. 

I feel the need to say this to all who question where God is in all of this tragedy and pain in the world around us. There is nothing that takes God by surprise. He know the beginning from the end. He knows each and every facet of our lives. He knows the exact number of days we have on this earth. He knows each and every struggle, heartache, and pain we will ever feel or experience in this life. 

People have questioned why would God allow my two perfectly healthy boys to die so suddenly less than a year and a half apart from each other. I can honestly say that I don't entirely know the answer to that. I do know that God sees the beginning from the end where I do not, and I have a peace and faith knowing that He is working through it for His glory. 

The point of all this is that there is a hope for each and every person who reads this. Maybe you know Christ and are just struggling not knowing where God is in your life. Maybe you know of Christ, but your view if Him is as a God who doesn't care. Maybe you have no knowledge of Christ and have actively pushed away from or avoided God altogether. I am here to tell you the only way that there is only one place find peace, joy, and hope. That is through Jesus Christ.

I know it may seem like I am just preaching through these post, but it is so much more than that. The deepest desire of my heart is that those who I am ever privileged enough to come into contact with, and to share my story, will find the same hope and peace I have. 

God is calling to each and every person who reads this, and is asking if you will trust Him enough to lay your burdens on Him. I will tell you upfront that if you decide to follow Christ and give Him your all, your life is not going to just turn around and become perfect. I can say with all certainty that it will not. Jesus never promised that it would be easy to follow Him, or that there would never be any pain or suffering. We live in a fallen sinful world, and all that it has to offer is pain and suffering. 

What I can promise you is that if you choose to follow Christ you will find peace like never before. I have experienced a peace that passes all understanding. I have a hope that exceeds anything this world has to offer. I have joy that wells up within me when there is no reason that I should have joy. It is because of what Christ did on the cross that I can say I have peace, hope, and joy. The question is will you go to the One who offers you the same free gift...........

Come to me, all who labor and are  heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am  gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  

Matthew 11:28-30

As always please feel free to contact me with any questions, thoughts, or comments. Thank you to all of you who make it through and continue to read my ramblings! :)

According to His Purpose..............

It has been awhile since I have posted.  I always plan on posting more, but between family, work, and school my time goes quickly and there never seems to be enough of it.  I am sure there are many out there who can appreciate this.

I seem to go through ups and downs as the weeks and months go by since both Jack and Hayes' deaths.  I know that is obvious and is to be expected, but what is amazing is how much the emotion and pain can come flooding in with no notice.  There is really no description for the empty space that is left behind when a child dies.  It is a hole like no other.  The two empty spaces in our family are profound and ever present.  It makes me appreciate all the more that we have Noah and Drew who bring so much joy into our lives.

I have been much more reflective and thinking about both Jack and Hayes over the last several weeks and month, due to some other families that have recently suffered the loss of a child.  My heart grieves for those families that have gone through tragedy of losing a child.  Some of the recent stories that I have heard have made step back and thank God for how He was there for us even in the midst of losing our boys.

I don't want to rehash some of my other post, but I feel the need to get some thoughts out there again.  Not only for those of you may read this that have lost a child, but also for those of you who are facing hardships of any kind.  The reason I write this blog is because I want to share the faithfulness of God that is found in Jesus Christ.  My prayer always is that God will minister to others through the story of our two little boys lives.  That is what truly matters through all that we have gone through, that God uses it for His glory.

The big idea of this post is that God is faithful even when we do not see it, or feel it for that matter.  Often times when the trials and hardships of this life hit it is easy to ask God, "where were you", and blame Him for not being with us.  I'm not saying that all do this, but it is easy to do this when we see the death of children, other tragedies and trials we all face, or things like the shooting in Newtown, CT.  It is not wrong to ask God "why", or to question why there is such evil and heartache.  What I would encourage all to do though, is not blame God during these times.

It is in the midst of the heartache and darkness where I can honestly say that God is closest to us, beckoning us to Himself.  I can speak to our experience of losing our two boys unexpectedly over a year and a half period of time that God was the most faithful.  I have never experienced a peace in my life like I have during the two times immediately after our boys death.  Does that mean the heartbreak and pain weren't there?  Of course not, but it means that I could see hand of God moving in my family's life in the midst of it all. 

I still can't say that I understand why we lost Jack and then lost Hayes less than a year and a half later.  I don't know that I ever will, but I know that Jesus has changed lives as a result of those two little boys.  There is absolutely nothing special about my wife or I beyond the work Jesus Christ has done in our lives.  Christ has been so faithful to my family that I thank him everyday for what He has done for us.  What I know is that even in the circumstances surrounding our boys deaths there are so many ways that it could have been worse.  We are not having to deal with the added dimensions of what the Newtown school shooting families are going through, or what one of the local families in our community are going through in the loss of their son. 

Even in regards to what all of those families are going through I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is working in those circumstances as well.  While God did not cause the sin, tragedy, or death in those situations, He can and is working through them.  He is bringing comfort and changing lives through all of it.  He is always beckoning and calling out to those who are hurting because that is where true peace and comfort is found.

I know with everything in me that my boys, and all the other children who have recently lost their lives are with Jesus right now in Heaven.  The question is for all of us is will we be there as well when it is our time?  I will close this by saying there is true peace and comfort to be found for anyone who is experiencing tragedy, trials, and tribulations right now in Jesus Christ.  I have a peace that passes all understanding because of the work that God has done in my life.  My prayer and the purpose of this blog is that others will find that comfort as well.  It is there for those who desire it and all you need to do is ask. 

²⁸ And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,^[h] for those who are called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. ³⁰ And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.
³¹ What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be^[i] against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? ³³ Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.^{[j] 35} Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ³⁶ As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
    we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:28-39

Rest for Your Soul...........

Well it has been about a month since I last posted on here and I am sitting here tonight not able to sleep, so I figured I would get some thoughts out there.  It is hard to believe that we are coming up on four months since Hayes died, and we are almost to the one year and eight month mark since Jack died.  I have been having somewhat of a hard time the last few weeks when it comes to missing the boys.  There is not really any portion of a day that goes by that I am not thinking about them.  It is really the ever present theme always in the back of my mind, and I know it is for Jessica as well.

November 19th would have been Hayes' 1st birthday.  It really is hard to believe that we never got that chance to even celebrate a birthday with him.  He would have been walking and, more than likely running around to keep up, chasing his two older brother all over the place.  This will also be our first Christmas without Hayes, and unbelievably our second one without Jack. 

It is at this time of year when we are taking Noah and Drew out to do all the fun things there are to do for kids, that it is hard at times to not get sad realizing the memories we are missing out on.  It is when we are out with Noah and Drew doing something fun that it is most likely I will picture what it would be like to have all four boys running around together.  Never getting the chance on this side of eternity to see all four boys together and have the opportunity to hear the dull roar, that I am sure they would have created, coming from our home is heartbreaking.

I am not writing this post to be all about how hard this time of year is or even how much we miss the boys, but I feel the need to get some of these thoughts out there so bear with me till the end of this.  There are times where it would be easy to feel robbed, and frankly that feeling is there at times.  There are so many things that I know we are missing out on with both boys.  It is reminder every day when I look at Drew that he is missing his other half, and all that goes with being a twin.  When I see other babies that are Hayes' age it is awesome to see how they are progressing, but it is also a reminder that we are not getting to experience all those first with him.  When I sit down and I look at things this way it is so very easy to find myself falling into a funk and question, why?

The question is how does a person deal with this kind of loss on a day in and day out basis.  It can truly be a roller coaster ride if one was to let it.  Dealing with the aftermath of not just one but two unexpected losses of a child within 16 months of each other is something that is not easily done, but for the grace of God.  Losing a child is the most horrific thing that you can experience as a parent, because we as parents are not supposed to outlive our children.  This blog is a way for me to work through this process, and along the way hopefully help other parents who are dealing with the loss of a child.  My prayer though is that it helps anyone who is going through any sort of valley to know that there is a Hope and an Anchor for your soul that will pull you through whatever it is you may be struggling with.

One reason that I write out some of the emotion and heartache I am feeling is to not say "poor me", but to show that there is an answer to dealing with all of it.  Is there a way to make all the heartache and brokenness to go away when it seems like all is falling apart around us?  Is there a way to move forward and not be swallowed up by the grief and pain that is ever present?  How does one find joy and peace in the darkest of valleys?  These questions don't just apply to the loss of a child or loved one, but are also pertinent to any sort of trial we may face.  The answer to these questions is a resounding, Yes!!

There is only one way to deal with this kind of grief and loss, or the hopelessness that comes with those deepest of valleys.  Those of you that have been following my blog may know where I am going with this and may even wonder why I continue to hit this theme, but it is for the simple fact that there is only one answer to dealing with any of these trials.  It is only through Jesus that a person can make it through these valleys.

I sit here tonight in the midst of the most horrific kind of losses imaginable during the Christmas season with a peace, joy, and most of all hope in my heart because of the faith I have in Jesus.  It is because of Christ that I know I am going to see my boys again.  It is because of Jesus that I can get up every morning and function with joy in my heart.  We as fallen individuals are not equipped to deal with the deep valleys of life that we all will face at one point or another.  We do not have the ability to make sense of the horrific injustice that this life has to offer.  It is only by going to God through the atonement in Jesus that we are able to make sense of the sin, injustice, and death this world offers us.

God is nothing less than good!  He is the perfect Father who loves His children and provided us a way to come into loving communion with Him through the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus.  I am not trying to preach, but I am offering the one true hope, guarantee, and means of dealing with the trials of life.  I thank God everyday for the gift of salvation that I have done nothing to earn or deserve, but was offered as a free gift because He loved me even in my sin.

I am going to close this post, but I would encourage any of you who might read this and do not have that peace, joy, and hope that I have spoken of to look to Jesus.  There is nothing that any of us have to offer God.  There is no good deed, no act of service, no gift that we can offer to God to earn His love.  It is a free gift that He offers each and every person if only they will accept it.  Jesus is ready to give you that hope to move forward no matter the circumstances and welcome you into loving communion if you will only ask and accept it.   

I'll leave you with this passage of scripture that Jesus spoke from Matthew 11:28-30

²⁸ Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
 

Not My Will..........

It has been a little while since I posted something due to school, both boys soccer, and life in general.  I have a lot of things that have been on my mind, but will split everything up between a couple of post.  I have to thank all of you who have read and shared my blog.  I really do appreciate it!

I started this blog initially to give myself an outlet to get the things of my chest that are ever present in my life.  As I have moved forward with this I find myself looking at this in a two fold way.  The first being that I need to share the things that Christ has laid on my heart, which in turn will hopefully lead others to the same peace that I have received through Christ.  The second is to hopefully help those that have found themselves walking this heartbreaking path of losing a child see that there is a hope that again only comes through Christ.  My prayer to that point is that the hope and peace that I have after having lost Jack and Hayes will spur others to seek the same thing.  As I have said many times before, it is nothing within me that gives me that peace other than the grace and love of Christ.

There are so many things that I feel stirring within me, but I can sense that God has me in a place of waiting right now.  There are many things that I am working through when it comes to navigating through all of the questions, emotions, and desires that I find going through me all the time since Hayes died.  Many of these started after Jack died, but have grown exponentially since Hayes' passing. 

The biggest thing that I am working through right now is patiently waiting on God to show us the path that He has for us to walk down and what direction we are to go.  I find myself looking back over the last 11 years of mine and Jess' marriage and life together, and it is truly amazing how different it has turned out from what either of us have planned.  If you had asked me at the start of our marriage if I would have thought we would be blessed with 4 beautiful boys, but would end up losing two of them, I would have said not a chance!  That is exactly where we find ourselves though.

I have spoken in past post about how God was so faithful even in the events surrounding both boys deaths.  As horrendous as it has been losing both boys, it could have been so much worse than it was.  The fact that neither one of the boys died at home and we did not have to deal with something like that here, or the fact that Noah and Drew only have memories of the their brothers alive and happy is truly the grace of God.  I thank God for those blessings everyday! 

With that in mind the main point of this post is to share some of the things that happened in the lead up to Hayes' death.  Over the last several years I found myself in a place of complete apathy.  I found myself in a place where I really was just going through the motions of everyday life.  I was basically in a position where I was thinking of only myself above that of even my wife and kids.  This was especially true and seemed to grow after Jack died. 

There were things in my life that I thought I knew how to do better than God, and thought I was just fine in living my life in the way I wanted.  The problem was I was living for myself and not in a way that was in proper alignment with God.  God had been slowly but surely cranking up the pressure on me that I needed to surrender my will to Him.  I was fighting that pressure though and as a result was digging myself into a deeper hole.  

It was about two months before Hayes died that I found myself listening to a sermon from Mark Driscoll out of Mars Hill Church in Seattle.  It was from a series called "Pray Like Jesus".  This particular sermon was on the Garden of Gethsemane prayer, which is the prayer Jesus prayed the night He was arrested and crucified for the sins of the world.  This is that prayer from Luke 22.

³⁹ Coming out, He went to the Mount of Olives, as He was accustomed, and His disciples also followed Him. ⁴⁰ When He came to the place, He said to them, “Pray that you may not enter into temptation.”
⁴¹ And He was withdrawn from them about a stone’s throw, and He knelt down and prayed, ⁴² saying, “Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.” ⁴³ Then an angel appeared to Him from heaven, strengthening Him. ⁴⁴ And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.
Luke 22:39-44

The big idea that came from this sermon was the fact that we all need to get to the point where we say to God, "your will and not my will be done".  By saying that it means that we may find ourselves being stretched and walking through some painful experiences, but ultimately God will be able to take us and our lives and use it for His glory.  Giving up our will is the hardest first step there is though.

I found myself in a place where I had never been before while listening to that sermon, and that was in a position where I was actually arguing with God.  I ended up listening to that sermon 4 times over the course of a few days and growing more and more miserable every time.  I knew that I was in a place where I had to surrender myself fully to God so He could do the work in me and my family that He desired to do.  It was on Wednesday, June 27th, 2012 that I finally came to a point where I knew I could not fight God anymore.  I prayed that day not my will, but your will be done in my life, and that afternoon I can say I truly surrendered my will to that of God's. 

It was not an easy road that I embarked on at that point, but I can honestly say that I started seeing God work miracles in my life, my marriage, and my family.  Things that had been ongoing issues in my life for what had seemed like years started breaking in my life that day.  It was not easy by any means, but I found that God was doing an amazing work in my life.  I did not fully realize what all that would mean when I came to that place of surrender.

When less than 2 months later Hayes died our world was completely turned upside down.  As I have also said before, I do not believe that God caused Jack or Hayes to die, but He did know the exact number of days they had on this earth.  God is all together good and does not cause death!  He is the author of perfection and all that is good, and death is solely the result of sin that entered the world with Adam. 

I know beyond a shadow of doubt that because God brought me to the place of complete surrender to Him that I have been able to walk in a peace that passes all understanding.  If I had still been in a place of rebellion towards God I know that I would have found myself in a place where my family very well may not have made it through this kind of a loss a second time intact.  It is because of the grace of God in my life that He brought me to this place where He was able to deal with the areas of my life that needed cleaning out and was able to bring my family closer together before Hayes died, especially Jess and I.

My big idea I am trying to convey to you all is that we all have a need for a right relationship with God.  For some of us that means actually asking Christ to forgive us of our sins and make us new, and for others of us that means surrendering ourselves to God fully and asking that His will be done and not our own.  For those of you that read this and are dealing with anger and bitterness towards God because you have lost a child, I can promise you that God wants to take that and turn it into peace and even joy!  He loves you more than you could ever know and my prayer is that we can all find ourselves in that place of complete surrender.  While it may be painful for awhile it will not always be that way.  God will take our pain and tears and turn them to laughter and joy!  All we have to do is ask and receive.............

 ¹⁸ I counsel you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, that you may be rich; and white garments, that you may be clothed, that the shame of your nakedness may not be revealed; and anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see. ¹⁹ As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore be zealous and repent. ²⁰ Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.

Revelation 3:18-20